McKinney Photography

     I remember the day that my 33 year old father lost his battle with cancer. That day is permanently embedded in my mind, it was the first day I truly understood the reality of death and loss.

     I was almost 4 the day my father left this earth and my short childhood was drastically altered. This is where his life ended and in a twisted ironic fate, minebegan. His death had lead to a series of traumatic but necessary events that helped me  become the woman I am today.

     It was the day of my 26^th birthday, November 14^th, 2007 when I received the news that I myself had not one, but three large tumors in my colon, the same place cancer attacked my father.

     I was home alone when I got the call, my heart began to race. I fell to my knees recalling my previous struggles with cervical cancer. I remembered the horrible side effects, the fatigue, the nausea, the hair-loss. Only this time I had children and my twin daughters were of the same age I was when my father passed.

     I cried, I cursed, I asked God for an explanation. I even contemplated suicide. After a few hours I picked myself up off the floor, my children needed picked up from school. I walked into their classroom and their running up to me proclaiming their happiness to see me once again. My heart sank with the possibility of never again hearing their words or seeing their smiles. The will to continue watching them grow and enjoy life gave me a reason to fight.

     That day I chose the pain over radiation treatment over the pain of not being a part of their lives. More importantly, first hand knowledge kept me wanting them free from the burden of losing a parent. All of those thoughts and emotions led me to consider every outcome. It Helped me prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I chose to write a poem for my Husband and children as a guide of sorts in case the worst should happen. This essay was the perfect way to visualize my words, and my heart.